I'm not really a fan of crossword puzzles, but I spotted this AI one as a widget on a Firefox tab and somehow became a little bit obsessed with it.
I think it's the simplicity of it that I like. It's quick, easy to dip into and strangely addictive. If you fancy giving it a go, you can either play it below or play it here.
I've been wanting to put this little post together for a while, and I've only just got around to it. It's simply a list of the places I've lived over the years, roughly when I lived there, and a Google Maps pin showing the actual property where possible.
Note: Where I've included a month, I'm pretty sure the date is accurate. The others should be pretty close.
22 Sept 1967 - 1969 - West Riding Villas, Ferrybridge
Honestly, I've no idea exactly how long I lived here. All I know is that this is where we lived when I was born. I remember being told a story about us getting flooded, so we must have been pretty close to the river or canal. The street isn't there any more and I can't even find any photographs of it online (although I have since found this old map). The location on the map is therefore a bit of an educated guess, but I reckon it's a damn close one.
Another educated guess is that it was a roomy two story house with kitchen, living room, cast iron coal fireplace, three bedrooms and possibly an outside toilet!
1969 - 1988 - 24 Crewe Avenue, Ferrybridge
We moved here sometime around 1969. I must still have been very young because I don't really have any memories of moving there. I'm guessing a little at the date we moved out, but it was definitely after my parents divorced.
Downstairs bathroom and toilet, three bedrooms, I had the small box room.
1988 - 1989 - 5 Oakfield Crescent, Knottingley, West Yorkshire
Moved here after my parents divorced and Mum married my stepdad, Dave. I didn't stay for long, as you can see. Again, I had the small box room!
1989 - 1993 - 20 Bransby Rise, Farsley, Leeds
My first move away from home. It was a small rented one-bedroom flat on the first floor with a tiny kitchen and no central heating!
1993 - 1994 - 35 Kingsway Court, Moortown, Leeds
Moved somewhere a little bigger, this time a top floor flat with two bedrooms and, importantly, central heating. It was another rented place, but it probably felt like a palace compared with the previous flat.
1994 - Jan 1997 - 35 Shadwell Walk, Moortown, Leeds
My first property purchase. The road name sounded good because Shadwell itself was, and still is, a very posh place to live. Shadwell Walk, however, was on the wrong side of the Ring Road! Even so, this part of Moortown was a very pleasant, leafy suburb.
Jan 1997 - Aug 2009 - 5 Laundon Way, Whetstone, Leicestershire
I moved down to Leicestershire for work when I started at Marconi, formerly GEC, in Coventry.
Aug 2009 - Nov 2009 - 5 Oakfield Crescent, Knottingley, West Yorkshire
After my divorce I moved back in with Dave for a few months.
Nov 2009 - Jun 2010 - 5 Ashdown Court, Ferrybridge, West Yorkshire
Back to renting another top floor flat again. This was an interesting one because the development had been built on the site of the old Greyhound pub, where we used to go in the 1970s and have a bottle of Coca-Cola and some XL Beef crisps.
Jun 2010 - Now - 22 Womersley Road, Knottingley, West Yorkshire
I moved in with Debs and we made this our forever home... until we move again!
A momentous day today, and we have paid off our mortgage.
Yeah, we have finally paid off our mortgage. The last payment of £566.11 went out of our bank account today, bringing a permanent end to our monthly housing debt, because that's what it is.
We’re heading out for a meal this weekend to celebrate, nothing too extravagant because that's not really us.
But I have to admit that, for me, the milestone feels surprisingly flat; Debs is over the moon, but for whatever reason I just can’t seem to get that excited about it. Maybe it’s simply an anti-climax after thinking about it for so long.
It has been a long road. Like most families, we’ve had our financial ups and downs along the way. We had to speak to our mortgage provider on several occasions over the years and, without naming names to protect the guilty, they often acted far more like a debt collection agency than the warm, supportive institution their literature paints them to be. But we survived them, kept chipping away and eventually made it through.
Adding a little extra to the monthly payment whenever we could certainly helped. At some point I might sit down and work out how much time and interest those overpayments actually shaved off the total term. I suspect it’ll be quite satisfying to see what those little extra payments added up to over the years.
I had wanted to mark the occasion by sending off a cheque for our final payment with a small rant, or perhaps a large "FUCK YOU!" written on it. I decided against it though. Well, if I’m being perfectly honest, I started asking AI what I could do, and how should I word my insults, ChatGPT suggested it probably wasn’t a particularly clever idea, and perhaps we quietly go out for a meal to celebrate instead, make it about us, not the mortgage company.
Right now, I’m still not entirely sure whether I wish I’d ignored that advice and not to send a cheque with my thoughts of them on the back!
So that’s it. A fairly major life milestone reached, one monthly payment gone forever, and yet somehow it all feels much quieter than I expected.
We picked up our new MG HS (1.5 T-Gdi) PHEV Trophy on 2nd September 2026, and from the 3rd I’m giving myself a slightly interesting challenge that answers the question, "what's the MG HS PHEV 2026 electric range?"
I've got my normal commute down to 19 miles each way, or 38 miles a day. Two days therefore comes to 76 miles.
The MG HS PHEV has a 24.7 kWh battery and an official WLTP electric-only range of up to 75 miles.
You can probably see where this is going.
I need 76 miles from a car officially rated for just 75.
The aim is to leave home on the first morning with a full battery, complete two full days travelling to work and back, and see how much charge is left when I arrive home on the second evening. If the petrol engine has to kick in a mile from home, I've lost. If I make it back entirely on electricity, I've won.
And then, obviously, I'll want to beat it.
Yeah, I am ever so slightly competitive.
My regular route should make this particularly interesting. Around 70% is on 60 mph roads, with the remainder largely through 30 mph villages and built-up areas. Much of it is winding Yorkshire country roads, with bends, junctions and regular changes of speed.
That means plenty of opportunities to lift off early, coast and use regenerative braking rather than simply sitting at 70 mph on a motorway for mile after mile.
I'm not planning to crawl around trying to manufacture a record either. The idea is to drive normally and see what the car can genuinely achieve on my everyday commute.
I'll keep my top five attempts here, ranked by how much battery I have used after completing the full day's commute.
So yes, the league table records individual 38-mile commuting days because the car will inevitably get used for other journeys between attempts. Whenever I manage two consecutive days where the MG is used for nothing except commuting, I'll also record whether it completed the full 76 miles entirely on electricity.
| Position | Date | Charge used |
Temp. | Weather | Heating / AC | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1st | 06/10/2026 | 41% | 14-15°C | Fine | 18°C / No AC | Dry |
| 2nd | 04/09/2026 | 42% | 15-17°C | Fine | 20°C / No AC | Wet roads |
| 3rd | 03/09/2026 | 43% | 15-17°C | Fine | 20°C | AC accidentally on for approx. 20 mins |
| 4th | 12/09/2026 | 43% | 15-24°C | Warm | AC on | Very surprised here, AC on all the way home |
| 5th | 08/09/2026 | 45% | 18-20°C | Intermittent light rain | 19°C / No AC |
Note: Journey takes approx. 35-40 mins.
Well initial results are very, VERY interesting, this car on my commute could probably do a tad over 85 miles on all electric which is bloody brilliant.
Temperature could make a noticeable difference, as will rain, heating and air-conditioning, traffic and probably even the exact route I take. A mild September commute could look very different from a freezing January morning when the battery and cabin both need warming up.
For example on 28th Sept 2026, the morning commute it was wet and 9°C and I had the hearing on at 20°C, on the way home was 19°C and no heating ... I used 52% battery!
Over time I should end up with a reasonably useful bit of real-world MG HS PHEV range data, rather than one isolated journey carried out in perfect conditions.
And because it's a plug-in hybrid, there's no real range anxiety involved. If I don't make the 76 miles on electricity, the petrol engine simply takes over and gets me home.
I've just lost that round.
The answer is a resounding "Yes"
MG gives the HS PHEV an official WLTP electric range of up to 75 miles from its 24.7 kWh battery. Real-world range will inevitably vary with temperature, speed, weather, heating and driving style.
My commute gives me an unusually neat test: 76 miles over two working days, just one mile beyond the official figure.
So 75 miles isn't actually my target.
76 is. Like I said, I have a competitive streak when I want to, and this car can manage it ...easily.
So, my wife has started to become interested in electric vehicles and, to be honest, I might be too.
We have a Ford Kuga, and we still have a car loan that runs until next year (£284 a month). I also spend approximately £280–£300 a month on petrol, so the car effectively costs me around £590 a month. Potentially, I could pay less than that for an EV instead; no more buying expensive petrol, much less maintenance, slightly higher insurance perhaps, but lower car tax.
I drive almost 60 miles a day commuting currently, and our longest regular journey is probably a round trip of around 200 miles to see our grandson, which is very doable in a modern electric car. So yeah, let’s look at it and see where it takes us.
After looking at salary sacrifice, we started leaning towards a personal lease instead. Octopus seem to have some good deals on EVs, and my wife particularly liked the Omoda E5 Noble. My only concern was the headroom, as I'm 6'2" and need the clearance!
Anyway, after a week of research, I had a ranked list of potential cars based on the specs.
| Rank | Vehicle | Rating |
|---|---|---|
| 1st | CUPRA Born V1 58 kWh + heat pump | 9.2 / 10 |
| 2nd | Leapmotor B05 67.1 kWh | 8.8 / 10 |
| 3rd | Renault Megane E-Tech EV60 | 8.6 / 10 |
| 4th | Leapmotor B10 67.1 kWh | 8.3 / 10 |
| 5th | Omoda E5 Noble MY25/26 | 7.8 / 10 |
| 6th | Kia EV4 Air Standard Range | 7.4 / 10 |
| 7th | BYD Dolphin Comfort / Design | 7.3 / 10 |
| 8th | Hyundai Kona Electric 65 kWh Advance | 6.9 / 10 |
| 9th | JAECOO E5 Luxury | 6.4 / 10 |
| 10th | MG S5 EV Long Range | 5.9 / 10 |
OK, so not everything this weekend went quite as expected. We went to the dealership mainly to see whether I could actually fit comfortably in an Omoda E5 Noble at 6'2" (I could, by the way). As it happens, though, my wife decided she didn't like the front grille. While we were there, the salesman mentioned plug-in hybrids.
On the same site was a Chery dealership, so we had a look there too. We didn't really like the look of the cars, so I asked ChatGPT whether a plug-in hybrid might actually suit the way we use a car. With a roughly 60-mile round-trip commute each day, the MG HS PHEV Trophy came up as a particularly interesting option.
Luckily, we were parked right next to an MG dealership.
Long story short, that morning we'd been absolutely certain we wanted an EV. A few hours later, we walked out of the dealership having bought an MG HS PHEV Trophy.
Since then I've looked at my route to work, the 60-mile round trip is based on a motorway route from Knottingley to Doncaster, using mainly A roads, there is a 38-mile a day route, I sense a little competitive driving against the MG HS PHEV 75-mile WLTP, lets see how I do.
Is brain freeze real? Apparently people are convinced it is, but I’m still entirely convinced that it doesn’t.
I’ve eaten ice cream too quickly, gulped freezing drinks and generally treated cold food with very little respect, yet I can’t remember ever experiencing that sudden stabbing headache people describe.
Now there is something called cold-stimulus headache, but your brain doesn't freeze.
Perhaps I’m immune to this phenomenon, perhaps I know brains don't freeze so I don't suffer from it!
It seems like a complete no-brainer to me that social care should be risk pooled across the UK.
That is already how we treat taxation and the NHS. We all contribute, knowing that we may never need expensive treatment ourselves, because none of us knows what illness or misfortune might come our way.
Social care is no different. Some people will never need much support, while others may develop dementia, suffer a stroke or simply become unable to care for themselves as they grow older. That is not something anyone can sensibly plan for, and it should not become a financial catastrophe simply because you happen to be one of the unlucky ones.
We do not ask someone with cancer to sell their home before they can receive treatment, yet we are far more comfortable doing something very similar when somebody needs long-term care.
Of course, risk pooling would mean all of us paying something towards a service that many of us may never use. But that is the whole point of pooling risk. We pay collectively so that no individual or family is ruined when that risk becomes reality.
The scenes coming out of France and Spain over the past few weeks have been absolutely horrendous. Huge areas of land have been destroyed, homes and communities have been threatened, people have lost their lives and more than 300,000 residents and holidaymakers have been evacuated.
France is experiencing its worst wildfire season on record, while Spain has suffered some of the largest fires in its recent history. These are no longer isolated fires that can simply be contained by a few local fire crews. They are vast, fast-moving emergencies that can overwhelm entire regions and require help from firefighters, aircraft and military personnel from across Europe; and don't think this is just mainland Europe, we get them in the UK too, and they will get worse.
We cannot get away from the role that global warming is playing in all of this. Climate change does not necessarily start a fire, but prolonged heatwaves, drought and extremely dry vegetation create the perfect conditions for one to spread. Western Europe recorded its hottest June on record this year, with widespread dry conditions contributing to increased wildfire activity across Spain and southern France.
In other words, climate change loads the gun, but in most cases it is still human activity that pulls the trigger.
Around 96% of wildfires in the European Union are caused by human actions. Some are started deliberately, but many begin through carelessness or accident: disposable barbecues placed on dry ground, cigarettes thrown into grass (often tossed from vehicles), unattended fires, or sparks and hot material from vehicles and agricultural machinery. During very hot and dry conditions, it only takes one small spark to ignite grass or vegetation that is ready to burn.
Regardless of exactly how each fire started, Europe, including the UK, needs to begin adapting to the conditions we are now facing. Reducing carbon emissions remains essential, but even if the world made dramatic progress tomorrow, hotter and drier summers are already becoming part of our climate. We need to prepare for them.
That will mean more firefighters trained specifically to deal with wildfires and rural incidents, better equipment, improved early-warning systems and proper evacuation plans for communities in vulnerable areas. Fire services designed mainly to deal with house, vehicle and industrial fires may increasingly find themselves facing incidents that behave very differently and cover enormous areas.
Farming and countryside management will also be important. Agricultural machinery needs to be properly maintained and regularly cleared of dust, oil and dry crop material. During periods of extreme risk, farmers may need additional guidance about when machinery can be operated safely and what firefighting equipment should be carried.
Interestingly, farm vehicles, such as tractors and combine harvesters, do not need an MOT. While they are exempt from standard MOT testing, they are still subject to strict legal requirements regarding roadworthiness, but what about maintenance and standards for working in fields without overheating or causing sparks or heat! Perhaps this is something we need to look into too!
We will also need to think more carefully about how land itself is managed. Firebreaks, ploughed strips, managed grazing, shorter grass, carefully controlled burning and areas of greener, less flammable vegetation can all help reduce the amount of fuel available to a fire. A varied landscape of fields, woodland and managed open ground can sometimes slow a fire in a way that one continuous area of dry grass, scrub or forest cannot.
Interestingly, I was thinking about writing this while driving down the M18 towards Doncaster this morning. There were plenty of fields filled with dry grass and crops, but every so often there would be a freshly ploughed field with little or nothing available to burn. There were also fields containing greener crops, along with boundaries of trees and bushes breaking up the landscape.
Not every hedge or wooded boundary will stop a wildfire, of course. Unmanaged vegetation can sometimes help carry one. However, it did make me wonder whether the patchwork of farmland we already have could become part of our defence, particularly if future agricultural and environmental policies begin to consider wildfire prevention more deliberately.
There will also have to be a change in public behaviour. Disposable barbecues, campfires and cigarettes that may once have seemed relatively harmless can become incredibly dangerous during a heatwave. We already issue warnings about flooding, ice and storms; perhaps clearly communicated wildfire-risk warnings will need to become just as familiar during the summer months.
Wildfires have traditionally felt like something that happens in Australia, California or the hottest parts of southern Europe. That is changing. The UK has already experienced serious grass, moorland and woodland fires, and the conditions that make them possible are becoming more common.
We may not be able to prevent every spark, but we can reduce the chances of one being created, manage the land so that fires have less fuel and make sure our emergency services are properly equipped when one does take hold.
The fires in France and Spain should not be viewed simply as another terrible European disaster. They should be seen as a warning of the conditions we may all increasingly have to live with.
I’ve been away from my weight-loss journey for a while, but when I recently looked back at the numbers, I realised I’d been overlooking something rather important. Although I haven’t continued losing weight, I haven’t gone all the way back to where I started either. Far from it.
This whole journey for me really began after a New Year trip to London at the end of 2023. On New Year’s Day 2024, I decided I needed to start building some healthier eating habits.
While we were away, I found myself needing an extender for the button on my jeans. Around the same time, I’d also seen a photograph of myself taken at my niece’s wedding, and it showed my weight gain far more clearly than the mirror ever seemed to.
When I got home from London, I stepped onto the scales. I was proper shocked, and honestly quite horrified, to see that I weighed 18st 9.8lb (261.8 lbs or 118.75kg), (I had signed up with a weight loss app while in London on New Years Day and guessed that I weighted about 17st!). I’m 6ft 2in, so I can carry a fair amount of weight without always realising quite how much is there, but that was far more than I’d expected. I knew I needed to do something about it.
Since then, my weight has gone down, gone back up a little, levelled out and generally wobbled around, as weight tends to do. I can sometimes become a little complacent and stop worrying about it for months at a time, although I actually think taking an occasional break from thinking about weight can be a sensible thing for my mental health.
At my lowest on this journey, I reached just over 15st 4lb (214lb or 97kg) on 22nd Nov 2024.
As of Friday 28th September 2026, I'm 15st 9.8lb (219.8lbs or 99.7kg) ... yeah I'm heading down to a better weight and a better and healthier me. I've vowed never to see anything like 16st again.
That still means I’m roughly three stone lighter (39.2lbs or 17.8kg) than I was when I came home from London in 2024. I need to remember that, that’s a huge win, because it’s very easy to look at the weight I still want to lose and get disheartened; I shouldn't overlook the weight I’ve already lost.
Right now, I actually feel pretty good about my weight. I need smaller waist sizes than I used to, and some of my clothes are now visibly too big for me. Those are real, noticeable signs of progress that matter far more than the occasional wobble on the scales.
The line on the chart isn’t perfectly straight (and you can see my complacent periods clearly), but the direction from where I started is pretty obvious.
Our cruise leaves on 1st November, and that has given me a very clear next target. I’m determined to get myself much closer to 14st 7lb before we sail. I’m not promising that I’ll definitely hit it, but I do love a BHAG!
I know what works for me. Tracking calories makes me more aware of what I’m eating without pretending that certain foods, or drinks, are forbidden. I read and understand the nutritional labels on food, and I think that’s an important part of this journey for me. It helps me understand how much of something I can eat while still maintaining the calorie deficit I need to lose weight.
Exercise is a trickier one. I have knee pain, so hard aerobic exercise isn’t really an option for me. I’ll need to find movement that works with my knees rather than against them, while accepting that most of my progress will come from what I eat and drink.
That’s the approach for the next few months: calorie tracking (aiming for less that 1,770 a day), better choices, plenty of protein (aiming for at least 100g a day) and daily accountability. Nothing ridiculous, just more consistency and fewer moments when I pretend the calories somehow don’t count.
This note is now out here in the wild too. It might not be read by many people, but I know it exists, and that gives me another little push to follow through.
I started at over 18 and a half stone. I’ve already come a long way, and now I’m ready for the next part.
Today, we launched a new phase of our campaign with our charity partner, Breast Cancer Now. It’s an incredibly worthwhile charity and cause, and the figures are stark: in the UK, around 85 men die from breast cancer each year, alongside approximately 11,500 women.
I love what we’re doing at work. Those numbers are a stark reminder of just how many people we lose to the disease each year but, as we work in the construction industry, it’s particularly valuable to get the message out there that men need to check themselves too.
If you’re able to, please donate through our Breast Cancer Now JustGiving page.
Some people reading this may know that I also have a little corner of the internet where I do beer reviews. It’s been a lovely summer so far, with warm evenings, very hot days and plenty of football. I know football doesn’t necessarily mean drinking more alcohol, but I do enjoy a beer while watching a match.
The original plan was with the 2026 FIFA World Cup final taking place on Sunday 19th July, was to abstain from alcohol for two weeks from that date, now that England aren't in the finals I might have a couple of beer tonight (Friday 17th) the last for a few weeks. Hopefully, it’ll help me regain a little health and fitness, while giving my body and brain a bit of a reset.
This will just about coincide with my Mexican lager finishing conditioning in my Pinter, so happy news.
I suppose this could be me being sober curious again!
Let’s see how I do.
24th July 2026 – I know I’m not an alcoholic, far from it; I just enjoy a drink. Even so, I’ve found going without one surprisingly difficult, despite it only being six days.
I think this 1st full weekend will be the real challenge, especially after a long week, but I’m sure I’ll get through it without having a beer.
27th July 2026 – Well, that surprised me. A weekend without alcohol was much easier than I expected, and I didn’t seem to miss it at all!
1st August 2026 - I only fucking did it! I am slightly pleased and impressed with myself for lasting without any alcohol at all for two week, I knew I'd do it.
I don’t think I’m a germaphobe, but I do like to have hand sanitiser close by. I did long before the Covid pandemic too, a trait my daughter Emily seems to have inherited. Sorry, Em.
I’m not frightened of germs, but I am very aware of them. There are certain family homes where I struggle to eat because I’m never completely confident about the cleanliness. That seems fairly logical to me. I don’t particularly want to spend the following day ill because somebody picked their nose, handled food without washing their hands, or skipped the handwashing after going to the toilet. Disgusting.
I’m wary of homemade food from some friends and neighbours too, particularly when children have been heavily involved in making it. I know that probably sounds harsh, but children aren’t exactly famous for excellent kitchen hygiene.
I’m not a germaphobe. I’m just careful about germs, as we probably all should be.
I’m sure my kids already know this, but it still feels right to write it down.
I’m totally and utterly proud of the way they’ve both turned out, Emily and Rebecca. We’ve had our ups and downs, and sometimes we don’t talk for a while, but they have their own lives to live, and they’re getting on with living them.
Yeah, I’m really pleased with how they’ve turned out.
Actually, this makes it 203, but who’s counting?
I’ve reached a 200-post milestone that didn’t even exist when I started putting this Digital Garden, or personal wiki, together. I had no idea how many posts I would end up creating, but here we are, so I thought I’d write this little retrospective.
When I started, I thought I might find the whole process difficult. Thinking of things to write about, turning those thoughts into something readable, then finding the confidence to publish them. Instead, the freedom of having a Digital Garden has made it surprisingly easy.
Ideas for posts and notes come from all over the place. It might be bringing together research I already had about my great-grandfather, Herbert Henry Scaife, or looking into a long-gone brewery near where I now live.
Sometimes it’s about the strange sayings and television quotes that have worked their way into our everyday lives, such as The Lines That Stuck. Sometimes it’s documenting a journey, whether that’s our possible move to Spain or keeping a record of my Pinter brewing times.
Then there are the silly little notes about things I don’t want to forget.
The content has come from lots of different places, and I love the variety of things that pass through our minds every day. I’m just happy that I’ve now got somewhere to capture some of them.
I used to keep many of my notes in Google Keep, but putting them here feels much more liberating. They’re no longer hidden away in a private list that I’ll probably never look at again. They’ve become part of something bigger, connected to other thoughts and memories, and the act of writing them down properly has possibly helped me remember them a little better too.
The garden has also slowly taught me that not everything has to be perfect.
In my professional life, I don’t publish anything until I’m 110% happy with it. Every word, fact and detail has to be checked, tweaked and checked again. That approach has its place, particularly at work, but it can also stop you from putting anything out at all.
This Digital Garden has reminded me that sometimes it’s better to just put something live. A small idea can begin as a seed, develop into a sprout, then eventually become a flower: a fully formed post that probably doesn’t need much more tweaking.
Or perhaps it never grows beyond being a seed. That’s fine too.
I also think this Digital Garden could become one of the most important things I leave behind. My children aren’t particularly interested in it right now, and I don’t blame them, but perhaps one day, when I’m long gone, they’ll start wondering what I did, what I cared about and what went through my head.
Well you two, it’s all here.
I think that idea of leaving something behind has become one of the main reasons I want to keep writing. So, 203 posts in, there’s plenty more still to come.
Some lines don’t just stay in the programme or film they came from, they somehow escape into real life.
My wife and I do this all the time. A line from a sitcom, a film, or some daft bit of telly will work its way into our everyday language, and after a while it stops feeling like a quote. It just becomes something we say.
So this page is a little collection of those lines. The ones that stuck.
One thing I have noticed as I've started to compile this is that we misquote virtually every single one of them, but we don't care, still still think they are funny, perhaps funnier *not*
"Green it were!"
These words were uttered by the late, and very great, Brian Glover. It comes from an episode of Porridge, where Brian brilliantly played the dim-witted Cyril Heslop. The full, and correct, line is "I read a book once, green it was!", but we’ve changed it a little. So quite often at home, when we mention the colour of something, we’ll end with "Green it were!"
"Mickey Pearce lives on the Nyerere Estate"
This one comes from Only Fools and Horses, in the episode Yuppy Love, which is also the one where Del falls through the bar. Cassandra has dropped her friend off on a posh street, and Mickey mentions that it’s going to be a bit of a culture shock when she drops Rodney off at Nelson Mandela House. So when Cassandra gets back in the car, she says she’ll now drop Rodney off at the Nyerere Estate.
Rodney quickly corrects her: "I don’t live in the Nyerere Estate! Mickey lives on the Nyerere Estate. I live near it. I’ll show you."
We tend to use this one whenever someone has slightly misunderstood where something is, or what someone has said. It’s one of those lines that doesn’t really need much explaining in our house any more.
"Hag!"
This one is from Hot Fuzz. Sometimes, as a daft put-down, my wife or I will call the other one "Fascist!", and the reply is always "Hag!"
In the film, Sergeant Nicholas Angel is trying to check into his hotel while the receptionist is doing a crossword. She suddenly says "Fascist!", then explains that she’s looking for a seven-letter word meaning a system of government categorised by extreme dictatorship. Angel correcting her with the word "Fascism", then he looks at her and utters the word "Hag!", explaining that it means an evil old woman, considered frightful or ugly, one of the answers for her crossword. It’s childish, obviously. But that’s probably why it works.
"Oh Really!"
This is one that I thought came from a Fawlty Towers episode where the inept builder Mr. O'Reilly was brought in by Basil Fawlty, much to the dismay of poor Sybil. I thing she changed "O'Reilly" to "Oh Really", so now whenever we hear the name O'Reilly, we always respond with "Oh Really!".
"What did I say, Roy?"
Another one we use a fair bit comes from The Fast Show, from the sketches with Roy, played by John Thomson, and Renee, played by Caroline Aherne.
The basic set-up is usually Renee talking to some poor stranger about a random subject, before suddenly turning to her brow-beaten husband and asking, "What did I say, Roy?" Most of the time Roy just repeats what his overbearing wife has just said, but every now and then he says something she really doesn’t like.
The line we always quote is Roy saying, "You said you could shit through the eye of a needle." In our house, the reply has somehow become, "I didn’t, you lying bastard!" Which may not be accurate, but it makes us laugh more.
"Unaccustomed as I am"
This one is from Blackadder S3 E4, "Sense and Senility", the one where the actors try to teach the Prince Regent how to deliver a speech.
As part of the lesson, he has to stand with his legs wide apart, in an apparently heroic stance, before delivering his first line with a great big ROARRRR. His speech starts, "Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking…"
We use "Unaccustomed as I am" as a daft little intro before we start saying something. It doesn’t really need to fit. That’s probably why it works.
"My love, my love"
That last one reminded me of this one. If I want to say "my love" to my wife, I’ll usually say it as "my love, my love", in a slightly Spanish accent.
It comes from Blackadder S1 E4, where Edmund is talking to the Infanta, with the hilarious Jim Broadbent as the interpreter, Don Speekingleesh.
The Infanta says, "Estas el verdadero amor de mi vida, amor mio, amor mio!" to Edmund, which Don then translates as, "You are the true love of my life, my love, my love!" in his pidgin English.
"But it’s Slater"
Every time someone gets mentioned who is called Slater, my wife and I will usually reply with, "But it’s Slater."
This comes from the Only Fools and Horses episode "Class of ’62", where Slater comes back to Peckham because he knows his estranged wife, Raquel, lives there.
At one point, when Raquel tells Del that Slater used to be her husband, Del reacts with utter disgust and says, "But he’s Slater!"
Yeah, I’ve noticed this is another one we’ve changed slightly to make it funnier for us. That seems to be a running theme.
"Oh, you did, did you?"
This is one of those lines from The Vicar of Dibley that we churn out fairly often. If one of us says we’ve done something, the other will invariably reply, "Oh, you did, did you?", or "You did, you did?", or something similar.
The line comes from the 1996 Christmas special, The Christmas Lunch Incident, better known to everyone as the one with the sprouts.
The actual exchange goes:
Geraldine: Ah! I’ve heard wonderful things about your cooking, Mrs Tinker.
Mrs Tinker: ’Ave you?
Geraldine: Yes, I have.
Mrs Tinker: ’Ave you?
Geraldine: …yes, I have.
Mrs Tinker: Oh, you ’ave, ’ave you?
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no parking is allowed in the top field!"
This is another of those lines from The Vicar of Dibley that has found its way into our regular vocabulary.
In the scene, Jim Trott is asked whether parking is allowed in the upper field. Clearly exasperated at having to announce it yet again, he takes to the PA system:
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no parking is allowed on the upper field. OK?"
It still makes us laugh, even though, as usual, we’ve tweaked it slightly over the years.
"They’re only doing it now!"
This is another of those lines from Only Fools and Horses, this time from the 1996 Christmas special, Time on Our Hands (you know the one). We tend to use it when someone does something, usually does something we don't expect.
In the episode, Uncle Albert mixes up the coffee and gravy granules. As the family begin pouring coffee over their Christmas dinner, Del turns to him in the kitchen and says:
"They’re only doing it now. They’re only out there pouring Maxwell bleeding House over their lamb noisettes and veg!"
"The dirty bastards!"
This one comes from The Catherine Tate Show and Janice and Ray, the Yorkshire couple who are permanently disgusted by modern life and almost everything they hear about.
In one sketch, they’re talking about a couple who use shiitake mushrooms in their cooking. Naturally, this is enough for Janice and Ray to declare them "dirty bastards".
Ever since, whenever we hear someone mention mushrooms, or any slightly unusual food or ingredient, one of us will inevitably say, "The dirty bastards!"
"I don't know, I'm not from around here"
This is another one from OFAH and we troll this out if someone mentions what the weather is doing. In the "Jolly Boys Outing" episode, Del mentions to Mrs Creswell (landlady) that its cold out, she replies "That’s the weather.", and Del quickly responds back with "Oh is it? I do… I don’t know, I’m a stranger round here."
"Just the one, Mrs Wembley"
From On the Up, a short-lived but hilarious sitcom starring Dennis Waterman as Tony Carpenter, a self-made millionaire, and the great Joan Sims as Mrs Wembley, his cook. Whenever Mrs Wembley was offered a drink, she would often say, "Just the one!", prompting Tony to reply with the iconic catchphrase, "Just the one, Mrs Wembley".
We use this line in much the same way, usually when one of us is offering the other a drink, some food, or anything else where "just the one" seems appropriate.
Earlier when Del, Rodney and Albert enter the Villa Bella guest house, Del mentions how cold it is, Mrs Creswell responds "That’s the weather.", "Oh is it?" Dels responds, "I don’t know, I’m a stranger round here."
Anyway, the boys end up at the Mardi Gras Nightclub, in the background the club singer is doing her turn, Boycie, Mike and Trigger arrive at the club, when Dels says "It’s good here, innit eh?", "Stunning." replies Boycie,, Del quickly responds with "Yeah, they got a magician, a singer and a comedian. The singer’ll be on in a minute!", I mean the line is funny as it stands, but the singer misses a beat as she glares at Del for insult. Absolute class.
Later when Del and Rodney arrive home from the nightclub at 2am in the morning, Del is about to ring the front doorbell when Rodney, in full panic mode, stops him:Noisy eating brings out, what I think, is a very reasonable response. When someone is sat there chewing with their mouth open, talking through food, and making every mouthful sound like a plumbing emergency, I can feel my patience leaving my body.
I’m talking about people who eat with their mouth open, talk with food in their mouth, take bites that are clearly far too big to chew properly, noises that seem to fill the whole room. Once I’ve noticed it, that’s it. I can’t unhear it, I can’t ignore it, and I certainly can’t enjoy sitting at the same table pretending everything is fine.
To me, it’s not just a harmless habit. It’s rude. Really rude. Eating with other people should come with a few very basic rules, and "keep your mouth closed while chewing" feels like it should be somewhere near the top of the list. It’s not advanced etiquette. It’s not silver service. It’s just the bare minimum of not making everyone else experience your food at the same time as you.
Talking with food in your mouth is just as bad. I don’t need to see what you’re eating while you’re explaining something to me, or see your food sprayed all over the table. Finish the mouthful, then speak. The conversation will survive the three-second delay. In fact, it might even improve if part of your lunch isn’t trying to join in.
I know this probably makes me sound grumpy, but I genuinely find it difficult to share a table with people who eat like that. It completely ignores basic table manners, and more than that, it ignores the other people sat around you. I think that’s the bit that bothers me most. It’s not just noise, it’s a lack of awareness.
And yes, I know people have different habits, different upbringings, and different levels of tolerance for this sort of thing. I’m sure there are things I do that annoy other people too. But eating with your mouth open, smacking your lips, slurping and talking through a half-chewed sandwich shouldn’t be defended as personal expression. It’s not quirky. It’s not relaxed. It’s just rude.
I don’t want formal dining rules. I don’t care which fork someone uses, and I’m not expecting anyone to dab politely at the corner of their mouth with a linen napkin (but seeing people wipe their mouth or the back of there hand isn’t nice to see, and don't get me started on people that lick their knife). I just want people to chew quietly, keep their mouth closed, and not make the rest of us feel like unwilling witnesses to the entire digestive process.
Surely that’s not too much to ask.
I’ve written up a consumer dispute over on my Contract Clangers site involving a mobility scooter purchase, unfair contract terms, and a trader who really didn’t seem keen on recognising basic cancellation rights under UK consumer law.
The business was Rental Scooters Strathclyde Ltd, and they appear to have also traded as Mobility Scooters Direct and Scooters Scotland on eBay.
The short version is that we challenged them, specifically Lloyd Jamieson, the owner, over what we believed was a failure to recognise the 14-day cancellation period under the Consumer Contracts Regulations 2013, often loosely referred to as distance selling rules. After approaching Mr Jamieson and having our legal rights rejected, we took the matter through the Scottish Courts and won.
We were also able to check the strength of our case before going ahead, and we were reassured that our documentation was in good order and that the process we followed was sound. That mattered, because when you’re dealing with a business that simply refuses to accept your position, you need more than frustration. You need records, dates, evidence, and the patience to see it through properly.
The bigger point with this piece is really this: don’t assume a company is right just because they sound confident. If something feels off, check your rights, keep proper records, use Citizens Advice if you need to, and be prepared to follow it through calmly.
My own experience of dealing with Mr Jamieson left me with no trust at all in any business he was involved with. That’s only my opinion, based on what happened to us, but it’s an opinion I’m very comfortable standing by.
Sometimes the win isn’t just getting your money back. Sometimes it’s refusing to be brushed off.
And as you can see from my little site, Contract Clangers, if I know I’m right, then I’ll fight to protect my rights. I will not allow small-minded businesses to undermine my legal rights, and nor should you.